Once upon a time, I went on the London SlutWalk. You may have heard about it if you were anywhere near me for any period of time around the time that it was happening, because I wouldn’t shut up about it.
I won’t go into detail again, because that’s not the point of this post. That said, it is the point of this post here, if you’re interested. The important bit here is one placard held by an attendee of the SlutWalk – saying, simply, “CONSENT IS SEXY”.
As you may suspect from the description up in the title bar, we’re a little bit kinky in the NSFW Cave. By ‘a little bit kinky’, I do of course mean that the lot of us are Grade A perverts. As such, consent is something that we have to be very, very careful with.
Let’s be clear – like the vast majority of people out there, from the vanilla to the downright bizarre, I would never, ever force anything on anyone against their will. That said, sometimes when I do what I do with someone, ‘no’ actually does mean ‘yes’ – unless ‘no’ is given in the form of a safeword, of course. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, and if you ignore that withdrawal – regardless of when it comes – then you are a rapist.
I like to think that I understand the general motive of a rapist – that forcing their will on someone else is an empowering experience. You know what’s sexier, though? Having someone beg them to do all manner of awful things to them, having them scream and beg and cry and whimper, and knowing that the more you ‘force’ them into enduring unpleasantness the more they’ll want to do it all over again. Surely there’s more power in someone begging you for more than trying to get away from you?
Consent is sexy in of itself. There are few highs more intense than absolute trust. The feeling you get when someone trusts you enough to restrict their ability to resist and then control their oxygen supply, for example, is intoxicating. There’s protection in breaking someone – they know that you’ll put them through hell, and then bring them back from that wonderful headspace with warmth, touch and love (and, often, tea). They see you as a strong, powerful force that can hurt them and comfort them, and that feeling of power and strength is the best drug I know.
Rape – taking control by force – is a fleeting glimpse of power, chosen by the weak. Here’s the big secret, though – it can’t compare to the amazing sensation of being given control freely.
If forcing yourself on someone is a slice of cake, consensual power exchange and the wonderful give-and-take that comes with it is a whole bakery.